FORGOTTEN BLOG JUNE 2018 – SUCCESS AND SUICIDE

On a June morning 2018, I woke up to learn the sad news of yet another celebrity suicide. Suicide touched my life back in 2001 when I learned of Deborah Couples tragic death. I must acknowledge that her actions steered the course for my writing career over the last seventeen years. I was so disturbed by her death that I needed to find out why she would do such a thing? Some good can come of tragedies and she will be forever in my memory.

My first novel Unbridled, tells the tale of a young man’s obsession to understand suicide from the juxtaposition of his own life. At sixteen-years-old, he too had tried to commit suicide. Unbridled is a great story, my first story, my first book, and my first taste of public criticism and sneering due to the negatives regarding the editing that I had paid good money to have professionally performed on my novel. Not everyone is a good editor I’ve since found out, but back then the negatives didn’t stop me, I went on to write three more novels, and after 12-years of ghostwriting and editing for other authors, I received the greatness literary accolade that a writer could win when I got picked out of twenty-two other applicants to write for a political head of state in Africa.

That job became the pinnacle of my career but also turned out to be the greatest disillusionment in my life. After working on the execution of the book and traveling to many places under tight security to meet this famous person, I found myself living in the presence of a celebrity for almost two years. Private jets, Penthouse hotels, and Political greats. The book was put to a stop when the time came to publish due to unforeseen political reasons.

I sunk into a deep depression for the next six months, I couldn’t work or write, I drank to drown the pain, bills began piling up, and I stayed a recluse sinking in the loss of what had been my most significant accomplishment. I lost my apartment and ended up homeless having to live in unsavory conditions with a so-called friend of mine while I struggled to recover. Yes, I thought about suicide. However, I didn’t dare end my life. I think we all have thought about that from time to time in a flippant kind of way when things aren’t going well for us. We are all burdened with problems ranging from the lack of money, loss of a loved one, unemployment, rejection, divorce, family problems, and now five months later I have gone through the heartbreaking experience of losing my best friend of 16-years, my adorable Jack Russell, Manchitas.

On that June morning, across the airwaves, came the news of yet another celebrity, Anthony Bourdain, he too had committed suicide, this news came on the heels of Kate Spade and her sudden tragic death, the report gave me pause to reflect on their possible reasons why? From my prior experience, I have learned that we can’t possibly know what goes on in the mind of another human being. I spiraled down from a successful, talented, and proud individual . . . To a woman who was just getting by in the winter of her life wondering why getting old got to be so difficult.

While I’m sharing my personal baggage, here is more, I have two estranged children, and four grandchildren who are prevented from seeing me. My happiness comes from concentrating on a few chosen friends, living a quiet life, writing for select clients, and a shipload full of memories and adventures that comfort me during the lonely times. With my truth exposed, we can see that life happens to us all. I am back on track now and have opportunities coming my way. I have dreams left to pursue, but gone is the impatient motivation and drive for risk-taking and adventure. I am learning not to be impulsive and anxious, and have reverted back to believing, thinking positively, and most of all I am grateful for the beautiful life I get to live.

Let us all be circumspect re our own lives and share when possible. We often think that we are the only ones, lonely, lost and forgotten. Those who dared to take their life we cannot help, but we can support the depressed, lonely, and the unhappy, they are often our friends, workmates, and family members. In 2019, my intention is to give back by volunteering my time. Many can’t see the opportunities that exist, maybe I can help them see.
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